romance of the worst kind.

Do you ever hurt yourself?

2009-11-10T15:17:00.001-07:00

I used to hit myself when angry but now I do not. I am going to tell you the truth about hitting yourself. You will probably not believe me, and you will say "that's just not true". But, if you believe me you will find that you do not hit yourself any more. You think that hate is a bad thing. Therefore, if you are someone who hates someone else, you are a bad person. I think that you have probably been betrayed by a loved one, most likely a family member. Instead of saying to yourself "I hate my family member for what he/she did to me", your conscience makes you say "I feel so horrible and so angry, but why? It can't be because of my family member, they are always so nice to me, so it must be because of me. There's something wrong with me that I would feel this angry and full of hate. The problem isn't with anyone else, it's with me." So, you blame yourself for feeling angry, and since you want to punch the person who made you angry, you punch yourself. This is the actual fact: You hate your boyfriend. He's probably a jerk to you, but in a way that you don't quite understand. You want to punch him, over and over again. But your conscience is telling you to stay in this relationship, because your conscience likes to punish you for things you haven't done. So stop punishing yourself. Get out of this relationship. Learn to hate people. If you learn to hate other people, really feel the hate towards bad people who have done wrong to you, then you will stop hating yourself. This is the truth. Hate is just another emotion. Depression and self-harm are, in many cases, hatred towards someone you also love (love and like are VERY different, and it's more important to like someone than it is to love them) that is not being directed at that person, but at yourself instead. Love is not the best emotion in the world. Love, when had for a person you do not like, is very damaging to your soul. So, admit. You're a violent person. You want to beat the **** out of people. You probably don't like many people, and you wish that you could kill them. But you don't, because you don't want to go to jail. Just admitting this, just admitting the fact that you are a person who hates, a person who wants to kill and destroy, can do loads for your self esteem. Now remember, don't actually do any of these things. Just admit them.

Untitled?

2006-07-21T03:14:00.000-06:00

Part I

The night was dark, cold, and i trudged, losing myself in the hypnotism of black, the horizon mixing with the sidewalk, leaving me the impression of importance, a warm spark in a dark cold world.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Silent and cold i walked along the rain pounded cement, There was little traffic, the roads were bad. the rain fell upon my skin, it stung harshly upon the back of my neck. The wind whistled through the streetlamps, blowing through my hair. I blew a lock of black out of my hair that smoothly fell back into place. I once thought i could make a difference, no matter how minor.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

As i trudged across the road,a car swerved to miss me. I felt the airwaves conform around me for a split second, then merge again on the other side. The driver shouted obscenity at me as he screeched past, but it was another sound in the world that passed me by, that ignored me, and rushed foward into their oblivion. I once felt that the world was in my hands

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Was there a plan? Or was it all impromptu. Is there a cruel laughing god? Or is it just a coincidence. I did not know then.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I thought once that there was something further in life to look forward to, beyond simple pleasures and close-future. Now i understand everything. I once felt that everything conspired within the world to acheive your goals. I was wrong. I once felt that there was something to be, to aim for.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

The dropoff down the cliff i stared into was deep, and within me stirred a primal beast. It roared in fear, knowing its death was near, between my cold hard determination and the colder harder rocks at the end of a fall down. The fear spoke to me of a future, of a glorious future that i might have. Have had.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I looked down again, swallowed, and jumped. On the way down, i saw everything flow between my eyes, a short life with long bits. I opened the door, looked inside, and fell.

Part II

My life flew before my eyes, enveloping me in a blanket of alcohol diminshed pain, warm and fuzzy, clashing as a pillow against my pounding skull.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Everything spirals past me downwards, leaving behind a trail of memories, some red, some crossed out, and a few brilliant blue.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

As if they were framed on a wall that came tumbling down, they scream past, reminding me of rainy days, and sun baked times that i felt right.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

They screech and claw at me, siren sounds that blast through my ears, screaming bloody murders for past sins, both rendered unto me and others by me, an album recollection of the worst of me, piercing my ears and grabbing my wrists.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

The awful rage flys by, the world of red that i once lived, pure unbridled hate for that which fails to kindle within me a sense of love, red as blood, red as rage, red as self righteousness.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Then the greys, they hover around the outside, leaving a fuzzy trail of things that never struck me as important. I looked at these memories, remembering days gone by, the quiet things in life that i never bothered to thank.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Before i know it, greys, reds, blues, they all fade to black, and i see nothing, no dreams, no wild psychosis reaching out to touch something, no randomly cobbled together pieces of conciousness of dreams, just a simple nothing, a black void stretching as far as the eye could see, if i could be bothered to see that far. I fade to black.

- aaron

(part three is in the works, its too late tonight, and i want to look over the whole thing before calling it finished)

More Prose

2006-07-07T05:08:00.000-06:00

A cacophonic strike was created by the instrument in his hands. The old wood that was beggining to splinter slightly along the side created a pathway to the silver handle of the tool as well as the similarly argent tip of the object. In his hands the shovel was an implement to do a very specific job. It was a pathway between the air and the earth, the known and the unknown, life and death. It dug repeatadly into the earth without question. It ate the dirt, and then spat it out, even the small pieces of roots and rocks that accumulated in the basin of the parabolic dimension of the shovel. They, scarred and tattered, as well drank in the cool night air and dined upon the vision of the sky that was unknown to them for a time known to none. The operator of this mechanism was neither young nor old, sane nor insane, inspired or uninspired. Duty was what called him, and duty was what made him get up in the morning to dig at all times. He neither did his job because he enjoyed it, nor because it was something that he hated. An action did not need a justification including human emotions beyond the idea of purpose to him. The shovel descended to the plane of his actions only because it had ascended higher than its destiny, and it only ascended because it had descended lower than its fate. The equilibrium of the actions cancelled each other out, and it was a perfectly perpetual motion. This man would bring darkness to the air and light to the darkest corners of existence, creating and destroying in perfect cyclical opposites. The grave digger created and destroyed, only because he was told to. He dug graves for the reason that they must, and until existence approached the end of time did he finish his work.

Prose by Ben

2006-06-09T22:08:00.000-06:00

There is a beast that timelessly haunts existence. Its fiery head comes and goes in the pyrotechnic display of its endless cycle of reincarnation altnerating between the two opposites of life and death, existence and non-existence. The phoenix rises to serve everyone else. Its life and death are dictated by the people, and the people are never good nor are they evil completely in one sense or another. They follow the will of the collective, and they birth and kill the phoenix as if it was nothing but an object to use. Up and down, forwards and backwards, alive and dead, existing and gone, here and there, the trend goes. It does not feel pain, for it is not human, but the humans feel the share of the pain, for they put in their hard labor to create a behemoth that can undertake so many things, yet at the same time their collective effort is the same only to destroy a horror, a plague on their existence that was created for reasons unknown. The hot topic that they discuss is when they will create the new phoenix, or destroy the old, for the actions are their existence, and the actions are the one and the same. Birth is death for the phoenix, conformism is nonconformism in the twisted hell of the phoenix.

?

2006-04-20T20:58:00.000-06:00

i found you.
[i dont know how.]
i pulled you out from your
shell
andwe
laughedandtalkedand[finally]kissed.

ileft
for a bit
came back
and found you.
plusone.
but i stayed.
you knew
youcouldntleaveme.
[not then, anyway.]

you
hurtme
hurtme
hurtme
and i still
loveyou
loveyou
loveyou
[logically?
...maybe not.
but still...]
and then
iturnaround
and cryatyou
bitchatyou
dumponyou
andyou
put up with me.

you say you love me
[please tell me its true?]
and i love you.

so why does that love
still have a question mark?

-j.

hands

2006-04-05T18:42:00.000-06:00

the hand that pushes me down
belongs to the one i love
the hand that pushes me down
is the same that i hold,
that i kiss with adoration.
the hand that pushes me down
is the same that plunges the knife
into my heart and begins to twist.
the hand that pushes me down
is wrapped around my neck,
choking the life out of me.
the hand that pushes me down
gently caresses my face
and plays with my hair
on occasion.
its the same hand that slaps me across the face,
letting it sting for hours.
the hand that pushes me down
tears open my wounds
just before they heal.
the hand that pushes me down
is placed over my mouth
each time i am about to scream.
i will forever remain silent.
the hand that pushes me down
is one that i cling to,
that i cant seem to let go of.
the hand that pushes me down
belongs to the one that i will always love.

...suffocatewithin...

Latin Says It Best

2006-03-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

Amaberis.

moon, would you ever leave your sky?

2006-03-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

a slow death.
inevitable and pending.
the silver blade catches my eye.
my blood coats the tip.
you slice flesh with ease.
i ask no questions,
provide no objections.
my only protests are
the tears dripping furiously
from my darkened eyes.
as always
i'll keep quiet.
you can slit my wrists as you please.
within my blood-smeared frame i am screaming.
screams you never bothered to hear
even on the few occasions
they slipped between my lips.
crimson red reaches those lips and begins to slither
into my mouth, down my cracked throat.
i dont even bother to choke.
my wings are tethered for these final moments
though you know i'd never fight back.
my insides crawl
and an explosion of pain arises in my chest.
i begin to tear at my flesh.
you stop to allow your hands and lips trail across
my gaping wounds.
love seeps into me, all subsides.
just when i am nearing death
you inject sweet memories and the blind hope needed
to endure your next beating.
HOW LONG WILL I LAY HERE HELPLESS?

-i am suffocating within.

For a Stranger

2006-02-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

I smell tranquil green pastures,
floating past me serenly in my eyes,
I can taste our interwoven futures
in my somber sleep where peace lies.

I can see your verdant eyes,
we meet for a split second,
and I know that my spirit cries;
your heart beckons.

One night we could be alone,
together and forever and never
would our futures be sown
one night, then we would sever this endeavor

I can feel your cool body against mine
Hold your essence against me
and everything would be fine.
Caress and kiss and miss me and be free.

One night stand, it's called,
but I am truly enthralled.

-Ben

A-B-C

2006-02-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

Around the block, a confined
benign, confident detective
concealed deleterious evidence;
demanding every fact,
even forgotten gems
from great hordes,
Gray hoped it
would help immensely. Joining
in junction, knees,
joints, and knuckles, leaving
knives and lacerations, "Mary!",
the hated lamented. Mourning nothing
and moving now, he offered
no one power
over his pride, questioning
past actions, quotations, and recitations.
"Quod recibi" said he
"Recibisti", slowly turning.
Standing there, unnessecarily
timid, undoing viscious and
umbral vitality. Working,
he voiced waylaid opinions, xenophobic
ways to exonerate sinful youth.
Exact answers he had yet to get from the zenith of knowledge.

-ben

addiction

2006-02-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

addiction comes in many forms, who
calls in the end of a life and
rushes to greet a new one

it sets me apart from you,
so of anyone i can ask, "who
do you worship for salvation?"

is it the almighty power, who
whether over people, objects,
loves, or lives, it addicts

do you serve the lusty love, who
never fulfills promises of
love unrequited, forever dooming innocents?

mind games are what some people
enjoy, only to end an day saying "who
am i?", they are alone in the end

all too many bow to the physical, they who
praise the drug, the unnatural, and
the disrespectful death of self-control

so tell me, fellow sinner,
what exactly is all of our life
without our addictions?

-ben

monarch.

2006-02-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

when you have moved on, when you are doing the great things youve dreamed of all your life, when Monarch is no longer a name you say often, a place you think of, or a building you see,

you wont remember the races.
you wont remember the splits, the place, whether you won or lost.
you wont remember the sets, the personal bests, the A or B relays.

youll remember the girls.

these beautiful girls who you spent four months a year with, seeing them up to ten hours a day, if not more, starting at four thirty AM.
these girls you laughed with, cried with, fought to win with.
these girls who gave you strength when you had none, who held you up when you were falling, when you couldnt swim another lap, when your dreams were broken and you wanted to give up.
youll remember the laughter, the tears, the love, the friendship.
youll remember the pasta dinners, the meets, the restaurants, the movies, the sweat and the blood, the pain and the joy.
they lifted you up when you couldnt stand; they watched you joyfully when you flew, always ready to catch you again.
you will remember the torn muscles, dislocated joints, and broken bones, the vomiting after a practice session, sleeping through the school day, and waking up the next morning dreading getting in.
you will remember the soreness, the stress, the frustrating feeling of working until death and still not getting anywhere.
but you will also remember holding someone while they cried their pain away, and being held in return when you needed to be.
you will remember singing in the locker rooms, being slap happy at four thirty in the morning and wondering how it was possible, showering with thirty other girls in six shower stalls.

and you will remember these girls who shared your life.

we love you, Monarch Girls Swimming and Diving.
and we wish you the best of luck in everything you choose to do.

2006-01-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

please. stop.(you. are. killing. me.)

a memory too excruciating to forget

2006-01-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

Tears fall
and meet my skin.
eyes clenched shut.
this is too much to bear.
in your eyes, past the tears
i see only fragments.
you have been shattered.
and you are watching me fall to pieces.
i am lost in this love.
the love you give, the love you take.
to see, to feel your sobs
is an indescribable pain.
never have i wished to disappear like this.
as your pain mounts, i am choking.
it is no longer mine and yours,
it is our pain.
the fact that i cannot take away your anguish
is the most devastation i have ever faced.
look into my eyes
like you have so many times before
and tell me that you dont want to be with me.
do it now and make it sting.
tear me open right here and watch me bleed.
make me feel alive
like you have so many times before.
the hours become a blur,
coated in tears and whispers.
i cant see, i cant speak.
im covered in you.
we are soaked in blood no one can see.
the kind that pours from the deepest wounds.
im covered in you and it gives me warmth.
im covered in us and my sobs grow louder.
Each time you raise a hand to wipe them away,
i crumple.
i am sorry.
so incredibly sorry.
it is too much to take.
you loving me and hating me all at once.
my body, my soul, my heart are too weak
to see you cry.
my eyes fall shut in horror.

Danielle

dear somebody-

2006-01-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

the only thing im sorry for is that i didnt get to say it first.
you should have seen me screaming.
i wish id gotten to say it first.

i dont think ill give you a second chance.
not really.
well,
maybe.

but only if you mean it.

really.

i cant take shit like this from you anymore.
if, one day, you decide to be nice to me again,
ill say hi.
and then i will turn around and walk away,
leaving you to fill in the blanks.

im sorry if you lost a sister today.
i lost one too.

but i also found my freedom.

i dont know what you found.
but i hope whatever it is, its worth what you gave away.

but then again, im not worth that much anyway.

i never really was.

always,
j.

ps-
i hate the way you always think youre right.
how your word is law.
how you are the perfect martyr.

i hate the way you suck the life out of me
and expect me to be at your beck and call.

i hate the way you do this shit.

i hate how i can never truly hate you,
only be slightly aggravated, and say i hate things about you.

and i hate the way you feel you have to pretend youre perfect
when youre just a sorry pathetic excuse for a person.

just like the rest of us.

get it straight.

perfection gets you nowhere.
the people who love you do.

eat
that.

Doubleshot

2006-01-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

Untitled1

We wake in the morning, to show we care
we show our pain, we show our tears
we wake in mourning, to show we care
we show our anger, we show our fears

You call out a warning
warning me
to tell life what i think
you called me in the morning
warning me
to tell life why

Wet your eyes
find a reason
to tell me why
you cry
about nothing
and nothing
and nothing at all

Fuck that

when will we learn
to change
who we are
to who we arent
where we are
to where we want to be

Life will pass you by
tears flow free
Let it go, fly
let it be

Untitled2

Pain is to feel
blood is to bleed
scars are to heal
Fire is to feed
with our hate
with our tears
douse our flames
regretting everything
til we drop
til we fall
til we lose it
til we have to crawl
to it
back up
to fall
back down
to climb
back up

-Aaron

there is no such thing [prose]

2006-01-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

Silent and cold i walked along the rain pounded cement, There was little traffic, the roads were bad. the rain fell upon my skin, it stung harshly upon the back of my neck. The wind whistled through the streetlamps, blowing through my hair. I blew a lock of black out of my hair that smoothly fell back into place. I once thought i could make a difference, no matter how minor.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

As i trudged across the road,a car swerved to miss me. I felt the airwaves conform around me for a split second, then merge again on the other side. The driver shouted obscenity at me as he screeched past, but it was another sound in the world that passed me by, that ignored me, and rushed foward into their oblivion. I once felt that the world was in my hands

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Was there a plan? Or was it all impromptu. Is there a cruel laughing god? Or is it just a coincidence. I did not know then.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I thought once that there was something further in life to look forward to, beyond simple pleasures and close-future. Now i understand everything. I once felt that everything conspired within the world to acheive your goals. I was wrong. I once felt that there was something to be, to aim for.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

The dropoff down the cliff i stared into was deep, and within me stirred a primal beast. It roared in fear, knowing its death was near, between my cold hard determination and the colder harder rocks at the end of a fall down. The fear spoke to me of a future, of a glorious future that i might have. Have had.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I looked down again, swallowed, and jumped. On the way down, i saw everything flow between my eyes, a short life with long bits. I opened the door, looked inside, and fell.

-aaron

(this is a rewrite of a piece i did a long time ago, im still working on it, so expect an update on it eventually.)

tags.

2005-12-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

my feelings dont have tags.

who am i kidding?
they are all clearly labeled:
RAGE
DEPRESSION
SADNESS
PAIN
including, on rare occasion,
happy
amused
content
and, almost never,
confident

but while im throwing these labels
here and there
and, well,
everywhere,
im only the held.
never the holder.
my emotions possess me,
not the other way around.

and all the while,
im striving,
screaming,
begging
to be the keeper,
not the kept.

the keeper,
not the kept.

-jordan.

Closer

2005-12-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

you seem
to be so far above me
reaching
to feel air
it eludes me
i conclude
you move
further along away from me

all that I can do
is watch you
turn your back on me
and flee

further and further
with open arms and closed eyes
i wait
for nothing
nothing at all

closer and closer
from being far away from me
i wait
for something
turns out to be nothing
after all

you say wait
i ask why
you say dont
i ask why not
you scream leave
and mute, deaf, dumb, I stay
you leave
but I stay
so far away from you

but Im okay
i say
to myself
everyday
im fine
its okay

-Aaron

2005-11-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

...grace only exists
------------to be
------FALLEN
-------------------from...

-jordan.

i tell you...

2005-11-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

i tell you that
its
-------FINE.
that im
------OK.
that im sure ill
-------------GET
---------OVER
----------------IT.
but youll never know.
youll never
------------------KNOW.
that inside,

----------------------im
----------------SCREAMING.

-your 'jay.'
ill miss you.

...

2005-11-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

i filled my heart so much,
tears came out of my eyes
----[windows to my soul]
and now you sit there weeping
------------[whispering]
thinking
--[doubting]
my heart has shown me
that believing
is nothing
------[some flowers ]
------------[bloom only]
---[in the imagination]
i write down a dream
i print down some empty words
and i cry
------------CAN
---------------YOU
---------TELL
-------------ME
----------------WHY?
i wake up in the light
seeking the shadows
---------[shelter me from the silence]

---------[please?]

im not confident anymore.

-jordan.

again

2005-11-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

again your hypocrisy drowns me
the pain you cause, cant you see

piercing nails coughed from the throat
digging between us this endless moat

fleeting dreams of loving care
challenges me to the greatest dare

simple rhymes aren't enough anymore
i can see the light, my open door

-bailey

[it is dark]

2005-11-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

[wait and see]
what
tomorrow
may bring
for in the
[darkness]
people are
[shadows]
and
[phantoms]
are real
they think
[you]
are part of the show
[a place where]
the blind eye of
suffering
[weeps continuously]
this house is
[invisible]
to the ignorant
[who suffer]
another day of
[mind shattering]
executions
and earth shaking
[revelations]

----------------------------THIS
--------------------------------IS
-----------------------------WHERE
---------------------------------------i
---------------------------------AM.

-jordan.

An Exercise in Alliteration

2005-11-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

soul stirring
pushing a pen along paper
showing slowly
pouring a poem along paper
flowing feelings
captured in CAPITOLS
or in lowercase
loving language
taking time to tell a rhyme
about anger and emotion
motion
to and fro
ebb and flow

-Aaron

this nightmare...

2005-11-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Eyes wide open.
bloodshot and itchy.
skin crawling,
sweat dripping from every surface.
the darkness soothes until thoughts run rampant.
stroking, singing back to sleep.
Eyes heavy,
relaxing muscles.
sleep (seeping salvation)...
so near.
creeping silently over
toes, legs, stomach, chest, fingers, neck, face, mi...
-- then remembrance.
spring forward,
lunge for the lights.
the brightness illuminates fear.
the memories.
run
scream
cry
pain
pain
pain
ache
tear
sear
pain
pain
pain.
the nightmare...
it was real.

-suffocate.within

la poesie.

2005-11-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

i have three l's...

----------they help me fly.

-jordan.

never trust the northern wind...

2005-11-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

it blows so cold and distantly...

break me.

2005-10-28T23:07:00.000-06:00

she asked me to break her arm so i could sign the cast.
did i ask you to break my heart
so you could carve your initials into it?
i dont think so.
but i let you do it anyway.
[beat me]
[hurt me]
[kill me]
[break me]

there you are
[standing there]
there you are
[standing there]
i see you
[standing]
i see you
[crying]
i
[love you]
see
[dont cry]
you
[are bleeding...]
there...
[everywhere]
[nowhere]
[nothinginbetween?]
you hurt
[so deep]
youre cut
[and bleeding]
i can hear it
in your voice.
[you want it to stop]
you want it
to stop.
you want it
[so bad]
you want it
[so bad]
you
[hate me]
want
[something]
it
[will never]
to
stop.
stop.
-----STOP.
im sorry
[im so sorry]
and it hurts
[more than you
could possibly imagine]
to see you this way.
i am sorry
[helpless]
sorry
[hopeless]
sorry
[worthless]
-----STOP.
im running in circles
[talking in codes]
walking a labyrinth
[waiting alone]
carve it deeper
[ever deeper]
bite it harder
[always harder]
i can feel you
[i can hear you]
i cant see you
[i cant touch you]
and,
for that,
i am lost.
i
[love you]
am
[nothing]
lost
[everything]
always
[in between]
alone
[brutally honest]
alone
[painfully sad]
-----ALONE.

-jordan.

todays cover up

2005-10-25T19:32:00.000-06:00

you are afraid to be sure
afraid of what you know is real
afraid of what you know is truth

is honesty required?
a secret desired

they live with their heads down
seeing only what they want to see
hearing only what they want to hear

what is one more cover up?
lies let slip

speak out and we are persecuted
change we remain unknown
we are never to be told

will times catch up to us?
shh be silent dont make a fuss

but believe and you shall not be afraid
but dream and they shall open their eyes
but undertand and we shall know

-bailey

bad poetry

2005-10-15T17:49:00.000-06:00

i really am sick of bad poetry
it grinds me to the bone
its like 'welcome to my friend demetry
who can beat you to the phone'

did that make any sense?
am i saying something new?
you are so dense
you have no clue

all your poetry sucks
try some form, itll teach you something
my poetry rocks like trucks
dont say the same old nothing

you write the same things in different ways for weeks
its no wonder why your poetry doesnt speak

two quickies

2005-10-12T21:33:00.000-06:00

guilt and regret
they are my many enemies
they are my only friends
i am so sorry..

i am sorry
i cannot ask forgiveness
i cannot ask to feel your pain

-bailey

these are the days
so rare and few
these are the days
so plentiful and great
these are the days,
the days that are given

-bailey

early mornings

2005-10-12T21:28:00.000-06:00

late nights
become early mornings
endless pacing
over and over
time ticks slowly
once in a meaningless life
we find ourselves..

an obsession,

emotion

temporary and endless

meaning is nothing

nothing takes everything

-bailey

just a breath and nothing more.

2005-10-12T21:16:00.000-06:00

just a breath
and nothing more.
[whispers in your ear].
just a breath, and nothing more.
time,
everchanging
evermoving
neverletit
----STOP.
just a breath
and nothing more.
you can feel it
rushing past you
fasterthanlife
slowerthandeath.
just a breath.
a single breath.
everytime you
take that breath
[fake that death]
you are running towards
[just a breath]
running towards
[just a breath]
running
[nothing]
run
[nothing]
run
[more]
----RUN
towards fate.
towards
-------FATE.
so take that breath
[fake that death]
hold it in
dont exhale
dont exhale
[just a breath and nothing more]
dont exhale
dont exhale
[just a breath and nothing more]
and time will always
run
[just]
run
[just]
----RUN
and you will never
[breathe]
meet
---your
--FATE.

-jordan.

again...

2005-10-12T21:10:00.000-06:00

and i find you in my arms again,
my nose buried in your hair again,
your warmth soaking into my body again,
your lips exploring mine again.
and i cant help but wonder,
do i get a second chance?
or is this just punishment for the last deed i did?
am i falling in love again,
only to be torn from it again?

or is this simply just happening for the hell of it?

will i ever know?
and does the reason really matter?

i wonder...

and i sit here,
thinking to myself,

why am i sitting here?

do i belong to anyone?

what is my PURPOSE?

and then i see your eyes,
----------her face,
----your smile,
-------------her laughter.

and i realise.

---------------it doesnt matter.

-jordan.

confused

2005-10-12T21:07:00.000-06:00

how do i say what scares me most?
how do i let myself go to a place i am most vulnerable?
the need for it stares me in the face
simple words from a simple slide of tongue
means complex consequences
there is no dealing with
want is bursting from me
if only they saw the aching
release from my cell
do i give chance a chance?
only sweet time will tell

-bailey

thoughts.

2005-10-12T21:04:00.000-06:00

i sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you
are near me, as now: it is as if i had a string somewhere under my left
ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the
corresponding quarter of your little frame. and if that boisterous channel, and
two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, i am afraid that
cord of communion will be snapt; and then ive a nervous notion i should
take to bleeding inwardly. as for you--youd forget me.
-jane eyre by charlotte bronte, chapter 23.

you say that youll be there,
but you wont.
you think i know what im doing,
but i dont.
and so this cycle will repeat itself.

if theres one thing he learned from a river,
its that everything always comes back.

-jordan.

blurb of a story

2005-10-12T17:13:00.000-06:00

all my life i have been betrayed. everything i have ever loved so violently taken no matter how tight my grasp may be. in the mirror, i see only a blur. i have been reduced to nothing, reduced to ashes. ashes that remain from the fire that has claimed my life. i see it as my own spontaneous human combustion. the fire, the death begins internally, eating at the insides, slowly making itself to your flesh, so the searing aching sensation you feel inside spreads outward, crippling your body. and this pain on my lips and hatred on tongue continue to mount. there are times when they are so thick, the words cannot escape. most of the time, i keep them here, locked inside my barely beating, barely existing heart. this is how my days are spent; fighting to breathe, to get out those words i desperately need to release. battling the demons that have graced my body. until, at the end of the day, i see her. just hearing her voice relieves me of all pain, all doubts that i have a reason to keep fighting. she gives the wilted petals of my soul life. the only life they have ever known. and at this time i know im killing her. her love gives me breath and mine suffocates. i give her all that i am, all that i will ever be. yet it isnt enough. my jagged pieces are broken and puncture her own functioning heart. i cannot hurt her any longer but am unable to let her go. i know i must save myself.

-danielle

2005-10-12T17:05:00.000-06:00

these tears are my own.
but if you ask,
i will cry them all and fill a jar for you.
thats just how i am.
and these hands;
the blood coating them;
those are also mine.
stained crimson from my heart.
the one i single handedly ripped from my chest.
i know this has all been my doing.
and i crumple in shame.
because i dont know how to stop.
i cant look at myself in the mirror
and confess.
i cannot admit
what i have lost,
what i have loved.
i cant explain
what i am,
and i why i fear change,
why i cannot let go.
i know no reason
for my anger,
pure hatred.
i could never find the words to say
why i love him with every piece of me.
and why i cant seem to let the other one
slip out of my life.
i will never know
why i cried,
why i hold on,
why i am changed,
why the strongest hatred
flowing in my veins
is for only myself.
NEVER will i know
why i d i e d.

-dani.

2005-10-12T17:01:00.000-06:00

on my broken wings
i fly then fall.
replaying the past over and over.
until it stings,
until i just cant stop bleeding.
even then, it continues.
my heart cant take much more.
the screams,
the anger,
the HURT.
i breathe it in like oxygen
to a faltering lung.
now this is apart of me.
and its something i need.
you are the only exception.
the only one that ever calmed me.
ever made me feel like something.
something worth feeling.
at the same time you
make me feel like nothing.
words so harsh
they sting my eyes.
i know i can never be what you need.
but ill always give you all that i am.
my love is stronger than words.
forever doesnt sound long enough
if its going to be with you.

-dani

worthless steps and pointless words

2005-10-11T17:52:00.000-06:00

worthless steps and pointless words
i am walking in circles again
chained by innocent guilt
my fears of a one way desire

buries me again

brushing petals of soft flesh
taking in your sweet scent
near you euphoria holds me
dreams become secondary

lies with me again

how do i describe what is most clear?
false remnants of honest emotion
bring doubt to my motives
reason turns trivial

cries with me again

does satisfaction come?
i pray for an endless will
finding contentment,
a stairway leading to an inward nowhere

will you love with me again?

-bailey

announcement numero...i give up.

2005-10-10T10:18:00.000-06:00

hey guys. another announcement. w have another new member! party. bailey. most of you know her. awesome.
and another thing. this blog is dying. or something. get off your lazy asses and POST. thank you.
love.
-jordan.

suspicion.

2005-10-09T09:41:00.000-06:00

suspicion kissed you when i did.
i saw it creep up behind you,
its cold breath on your neck,
its hand around your waist.
just as i leaned in,
my mouth slightly parted,
it nibbled your neck,
whispered sweet nothings in your ear,
and took you.
i cupped your neck with one hand,
the back of your head with the other,
and explored your exquisite mouth
with mine.
but i could feel it watching us,
running a hand across your back,
over your lips,
through your hair.
we paused for breath,
and it stepped around us,
leaned down,
and kissed you,
deeply,
roughly,
lovingly.
and i knew,
in that instant,
that you would never be mine.

-jordan.

the 300th post.

2005-10-01T11:25:00.000-06:00

well guys, this is quite a milemarker. we have three hundred posts, seven or eight members, and weve been going for almost a year. i congratulate and thank you all for some awesome poetry and even better experiences.
[just so you know, 300 is important because after this post, i wont be able to look at them all on the same editing page anymore. lol.]
thanks so much.
love ya.
-jordan.

ps- in honor of this being the 3ooth post, i figure i might as well post some poetry.

use me.

u s e m e.
a b u s e m e.
f i g h t m e.
k i l l m e.
r a p e m e.
k i s s m e.
i am her p l a y t h i n g.
i know it.
thats all i am to her.
to everyone.
an object.
a pastime.
a t o y.
hold me close
and toss me aside
when the newer,
better,
diversion arrives.
only to be picked up again.
fooled again.
toyed with again.
and left.
'lets get high
and fuck around.'
i respect you,
but not for this.
n o t f o r t h i s.
everyone i know
[sans one]
regards me as an item
of pleasure,
of knowledge,
or whatever.
and i let them.
i l e t t h e m.

i let them.

-jordan.

2005-09-25T20:12:00.000-06:00

these roads that i travel
dont seem so long
when you are holding my hand.
when the fire inside my soul
is reduced to ashes,
you fill me with warmth.
maybe ive made a mistake.
maybe we are not ready for this.
but whats done is done
and here we are.
one step closer.
now that you are leaving,
i just have to know.
will we make it?
will our love carry us through?
i anticipate long nights,
tear stained pillows
begging for your embrace.
all i can ask of you
is to try.
i promise i'll try.
i think we can do this,
i think love can protect us.
i believe that every time i see you smile
my pain will be washed away.
i believe we can save each other.
i just have to know,
do you believe in us?

-suffocate.within

rise...

2005-09-18T22:29:00.000-06:00

i feel it coming.
coming back.
screaming in my head.
i hear them,
i hear them all.
betraying me.
critiquing me.
collecting my imperfections
and throwing them
in my face.
again.
i feel it uncurling
in my mind
in my chest
in my

soul.

rise...

my demon...

rise...

and show my

-jo.

2005-09-13T22:15:00.000-06:00

why the fuck are you doing this to me?
why are you hurting me so badly?
please stop,
i love you more than i could ever tell you.
my heart is bleeding for you,
cant you see that?
cant you see im hurting for YOU?
i need you,
i love you.
i want to keep you here
no matter what you say to me.
i know thats wrong
but i love you
so goddamn much.
you were the ONLY one
who could bring a smile to my face.
and i refuse to give that up so easily.
even if it hurts,
even if i bleed.
even if you KILL me.
i...cant...leave.
please stop hurting me,
oh god please stop.
I LOVE YOU.

-suffocatewithin

fuck it.

2005-09-11T19:21:00.000-06:00

im sick of it.
im sick of you.
the one who
claimed to be
unjudgmental.
the one who
j u d g e s m e
every time i open
my goddamn mouth.
you said you cared,
you bastard.
you dont give a damn.
im so sick of you
and your lies
and your words.
they cut deeper
than you think they do.
they scar easier
than you think they do.
they hurt me more
t h a n y o u t h i n k t h e y d o.
all i get from you is
bullshit.
'im open minded.'
sure bitch.
maybe in your own little
fucked up world.
maybe in your own little
f u c k e d u p m i n d.
i dont know what possessed you
to say shit like that,
but i finally have the nerve
to take it personally.
you insulted me
with practically everything you said.
i figured you were kidding.
and now ive discovered you werent.
and that is
unacceptable.
u n a c c e p t a b l e.
and i am finished.
i cant do this anymore.
goodbye.

and be gone with you.

-jo.

home is where the <> is.

2005-09-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

call me selfish again.
i will tell you what its like
to give everything you have
to other people.
getting nothing in return
but a few scars
and harsh words
followed by hollow apologies.
how easily you forget.
i only wish i could remember to forget.
your words stay,
even after the wounds have cauterized.
voluntarily i place the shattered pieces
of my grey heart back in your hands.
ive got no where to turn
except back into your decieving arms.
im not strong enough to leave
but i feel the anger rising.
i feel my hatred reappearing.
my makeshift heart is crumpling
under all these feelings
my burdened body
is crippled and weak.
you think you see through me.
but all i have ever seen of you
is - your - back.
left to lay in my self shed blood.
this feels like home.
the home that follows me
from my nightmares
into my reality.

-suffocate...

never again

2005-09-10T19:47:00.000-06:00

i feel it.
-here it comes again.
creeping up over me.
-here it comes again.
DEATH.
it smothers me like a thick blanket of smoke,
i have no breath.
BLOOD.
temptation drips down over me
filling my mouth, my hands, my soul.
ive been rebuilt
but somehow my pieces are cracking,
tumbling to the ground.
my heart aches every time my wrists do.
and i am so ashamed.
my fingers are raw and blood soaked
from trying to pick up my remains.
im falling under the weight
of my worthlessness and these words.
ive come to know nothing but betrayal.

-suffocate.within

saveoursouls...

2005-09-03T12:23:00.000-06:00

thehistoryisgonethe
homesaregonethepe
oplearegonetheposs
esionsaregonebutth
efaithishere.twoday
sagoablackmanwalk

edintoanelevatorinaustintexaswearingadenvernuggets
jerseythatsaidcarmelloanthonyonthebackandcarryinga
plasticbagofclothes.thefirstthinghesaidtothepassengers
fromdenverwas'isntlifegreat?'theysaid'yes.welikeyourje
rsey.werefromdenver.'hereplied'oh,yeah,itsmyfavorite
shirt.ilikethecolors.ivealwayslovedthenuggets.ofcourse

itsallihavenow.im f

romneworleans.
wehadtoleavefast.b
utisntlifegreat?welo
steverything,butmy
familyisallhere,safe.

isntlifegreat?'

why am i here again?

2005-08-30T17:08:00.000-06:00

you cant escape yourself
by moving from place to place.
as much as i wish it was true,
you will become more lost
with the person you are trying to get rid of.
you will continue wandering
until the end of time,
accompanied by yourself.
your thoughts.
your emotions.
and everything else you
[i]
hate about your
[my]
self.
so in actuality,
moving isnt going to do much good.
but then again,
neither is staying.

-jordan.

beat me.

2005-08-27T16:43:00.000-06:00

beat me
out of me.
its the only cure.
there are these things
in my head,
one more in my chest,
slowly devouring
until the holes they have made
meet
deep
inside me.
i am cold.
and i am waiting.
waiting to die.
watching this whirling maelstrom
of thought
[thought?]
emotion
[feeling]
take over
[massacre]
all free visions
[views]
never ceasing,
never stopping,
never letting up.
[never getting up]
falling
twisting
deformation
scarring
crying
screaming.
never saved,
never sorry,
always wicked.
no rest for the wicked.
no one mourns the wicked.
hm.
explains a lot.

pray for me?

kill me.

praying wont save me.
nothing has.
nothing will.
and nothing always wins.

-jordan.

ifeelit.

2005-08-26T23:15:00.000-06:00

----------i
-----------fe
-------------elit
---------------com
-----------------ingl
-------------------urki
----------------------ngin
----------------------m-ym
----------------------in----dif
---------------------e-------elit
---------------------e-------a-tin
----------------------g------g----na
-----------------------------w-----in
-----------------------------g--------a
------------------------------t
-----------------------------m

-----------------------------y

--------------------------insides.

ifeelit.

-jordan.

the maestro

2005-08-22T00:33:00.000-06:00

the maestro picked up his golden violin and bow,
which shined high up in the air,
a man who seemed to grow,
with every stroke and flare.

tonight was something special,
he shined his bow with rosin,
and begun with such power,
the whole air filled with energy.

the rosin choked the air,
but he did not care.
tonight he played with no inhibitions,
like a peacock showing off its feathers.

he was perfect;
he was alive.
he was himself.
he played the violin.

the air filled with the voices of people long dead,
with their queens and kings,
with their nobles and peasants,
from the music of composers.

he thought he grew somewhat
in his dark and shattered soul.
he thought maybe life was perfect
in its imperfections.

he became alive with music
and filled his woeful heart
for just a short time
with new love and hopes and dreams.

-ben

broken.

2005-08-21T17:46:00.000-06:00

everything is so

...

i dont understand...

a rose

2005-08-20T15:52:00.000-06:00

there is a simple little rose
in a field where life grows
among the weeping willows and bright tulips

it is beautiful unique
but there is one critique
it doesnt fit with anyone else

it doesnt care though
despite the willows
and the radiant tulips

it hurts who try to steal it
with the thorns below where the rose sits
but in its glory, it is perfect

-ben

stagnant.

2005-08-13T12:50:00.000-06:00

so. the blog is pretty much frozen right now. so ill post some shit from earlier this year that i wrote when i was bored. the third one has a deliberate spelling mistake. lets see if you can figure out what it means, hm? have fun with it.

eyes.

you dont know me.
a pair of eyes.
a pair of dark,
'pretty'
eyes.
thats all i am to you.
if you want to meet the girl
behind these eyes,
these dark encircled eyes,
let me know.
if you want my autobiography,
let me know.
dont go telling people
the things you think ive done.
the things i want to do.
my ambitions.
my dreams.
my goals.
my weaknesses.
my failures.
my life.
because youve got it wrong.
every time you say those things
youre breaking habits.
breaking promises.
breaking me.
how can you know me
when i dont know myself?
when i look in the mirror
and see an unfamiliar face?
when i hear someone else
in my head?
you dont know me.
your own daughter.
your own sister.
your own
----goddamn
--------friend.

a heart on a sleeve.

i wear my heart
on my sleeve.
stapled to it,
actually.
a glance is enough
to send me
head over heels.
and then i rip it off,
that sad,
sorry
heart.
time
and time
again.
giving little bits away.
losing them.
finding others.
soon,
im left with a little
crumpled
pieced together
randomly assembled
paper heart.
and then i set it on fire.
sacrificing it to
the rain.
the moon.
long summer nights.
and all those
i have loved.
however fleetingly.
however long.
however shallow.
however deep.
i give it
to you.

if i were a font.

if i were a font
sans seraph-
im sure i wouldnt last.
for me without my seraph-
im a boat without a mast.
my seraph-
im sure
is an enormous part of me.
my seraph-
im in love with
and it was in love with me.
if i ever lost my seraph-
im not sure what i would do.
for me without my seraph-
im just another fool.

-jo.

2005-07-30T19:06:00.000-06:00

--------i
----miss
-------you.

all it takes...

2005-07-28T11:33:00.000-06:00

i want to stand on the edge of a rainstorm.
i want to experience tragedy.
i want to do something stupid and get cut because of it, like i deserve.
i want to stand in the bay of fundy on low tide and stay when the tide comes in.
i want to plan with a friend how to ask someone out, then when i try to, to forget and make it up.
i want to break something valuable, like my heart.
i want to free a bird.
i want to go flying with my friend.
i want to help someone cross the street when there are no cars around.
i want to do something heroic and not be noticed.
i want to carry someones books.
i want to memorize something useless.
i want to give away something i need.
i want to understand people.
i want to never break someones trust.
i want to be on the short-handed team.
i want to shake the hand of someone important.
i want to be tired when im doing something important.
i want to be nervous about standing in front of people at first.
i want to frame pictures of someone important to no one but me.
i want to open a letter to me from a relative i have never spoken to.
i want to make a wise descision.
i want to plant a tree.
i want to tie a string around my wrist.
i want to have a near death experience.
i want to watch a train set for an evening.
i want to make throwing bottle caps off of a roof and into a garbage can a common pastime.
i want to go without something because someone else is.
i want to live in anticipation.
i want to go without something because someone else needs it.
i want to write conversations that take place in my mind commonly.
i want to have a collection of things i will never need again.
i want to break something in a museum and pay for it.
i want to pick up a book and have a note fall out of it, for me.
i want to have a person that i can tell everything to.
i want to remember the answers when its too late.
i want to let someone slip away, only to realize how much i needed them and then pursue them.
i want to wake up in pieces.
i want to never have someone lose trust or faith in me.
i want to tip the boat.
i want to see the day when 'bless you' isnt a habit.
i want to witness a revolution.
i want to have a utopia in my mind that i cant reach.
i want to bring myself down to the level of whoever im speaking with.
i want to have a real ending.

but i dont have the courage to do the things i havent.

-jordan.

FORGET.X.TO.X.REMEMBER

2005-07-27T22:44:00.000-06:00

here we are again.
this never changes,
YOU never change.
i cant keep letting you get to me
always changing my mind.
i really thought this was it.
i had made up my mind.
for the last time,
this was over.
and here you are.
why cant i escape you?
why can i never
(forget to remember?)
maybe now i will just give in,
and let you take me.
ill play along with your games
and try to be your friend.
you'll continue to twist and turn me
the way you like.
i cant run away,
and i know that now.
i cant escape you.
you are in me.
and now i wont fight back.
i accept you into my life.
i accept your pain into my body
as if it were my own.
i accept the words to come
that will slice me apart.
i accept the laughs and smiles that will
come as well.
as two friends,
two people so far apart
but eternally connected as one
rebuild something
that could never be lost.

-suffocate.within

restored

2005-07-27T22:32:00.000-06:00

i dont hide anymore.
behind makeup
or false smiles.
i dont want to cover this up.
for once i want everyone
to see this.
i want them all to see
the glow i have.
i dont want them to miss
the genuine smiles
that now appear frequently.
i want them to see
the hate that has drained from my body,
creating a puddle beneath my feet.
i want them to see
that my hope and faith have been restored.
and in my eyes,
i want them all to see
the light that has replaced
the empty space.
i dont hide anymore.
for the first time,
i want them all to see.

-suffocate.within

the debate. part two. good girl wins.

2005-07-27T13:54:00.000-06:00

i love you.
i hate you.
im sorry.
you deserve it.
you do help.
but you hurt me too.
im happy for you.
im dying inside.
im fine. i swear.
i cant deal with this.
ill miss you.
you left me alone!
have fun.
i hope he dies.

-jordan.

the debate. part one. bad girl wins.

2005-07-27T13:45:00.000-06:00

i hate you.
i love you.
how could you do this to me?
i totally understand.
how can you move on that fast?
i probably should too.
how can you ditch me like that?
how couldnt you? youre in love.
why does this hurt so bad?
its not that bad.
why dont you love me anymore?
but i still have you anyway.
goddammit.
more on this later.

-jordan.

there is no god.

2005-07-26T15:27:00.000-06:00

there is no god.

i have finally discovered this.

if there was one,
maybe i wouldnt be doing this.
maybe my parents wouldnt have made her cry.
maybe she could protect me.
maybe i could have been loved.
maybe they wouldnt have hurt me.
maybe i wouldnt have hurt me.

maybe i should just die.

my sun

2005-07-18T04:17:00.000-06:00

you make the sky light up
while you are here
a beauty i wish i could keep in a cup
a beauty that has no peer

you are the sun
all these people are just stars
you make the night run
and remove its tar

i wish i could hold you forever
and make my bottomless night into everlasting day
hoping things will never
change, that my world will never sway

you compliment me in a way no one else can
ill remember you while i still am a man

-ben

l'homme en fer dans le maillot jaune

2005-07-17T14:56:00.000-06:00

hiya.
im leaving town for a week.
paris.
w00t.
if you have any discrepancies with the blog(ie age*coughBENcough*],
tough cookies.
im not going to be here.
however.
you can still email me your troubles,
and i might have internet access.
so they might be fixed.
it depends.
lol.
love.

-jordan.

say yes

2005-07-16T00:38:00.000-06:00

i know what you hide
and you know all about me
dont lead me on a ride
say yes and set us free

-ben

announcement numero whatever the hell were on. plus one.

2005-07-15T00:46:00.000-06:00

hi. weve added yet another new member. dana. be nice. lol. love.

-jordan.

unmetered sonnet #2

2005-07-14T23:51:00.000-06:00

you say these things but
i wonder sometimes are they true?
or are they false, leaving my heart to be cut?
tell me before i drink my sad brew

i hope you really mean what you say
you lead and i will follow
there are many things to no one for which i pray
but in misery i never want to wallow

i want you to give me peace
i want you to give me a reason to be happy
i want to give you a piece
of my heart that is so sappy

i want you to be something ill never regret
and i want to be something that youll never forget

-ben

unmetered sonnet #1

2005-07-14T23:31:00.000-06:00

sometimes i think to myself
that i should stop talking to you
all you think about is yourself,
being is a bitch is what you do

you laugh at me when i am in need
while you laugh at my consolation
it seems like its your creed
to live forever in desolation

you leave without saying goodbye
you laugh at me behind my back
i want to help you when you cry
but all you do is fuck with me and throw me off track

the one good thing that you did do
it seems is set me free of you

-ben

green with specks of blue

2005-07-14T22:14:00.000-06:00

love.
a word,
an emotion,
a feeling.
frequently misused,
yet never to be taken lightly.
beautiful and deadly.
doing whatever it takes
to make that one person
happy for just a moment.
constant longing and missing
whenever you're not around.
that feeling that has burrowed itself
so deep beneath my skin.
the realization
that this could be my life,
lazy days spent in your arms.
and maybe i want it to be that way.
never in my life have i met someone
quite like you.
never in my life has anyone
made me feel like you do.
like im home.
like for the first time, i'm ME
and i dont have to pretend.
i have never felt so comfortable
in my own skin
with anyone before you.
my words have never held so much meaning.
i have my doubts
but somehow i know this is real.
somehow i know i mean it.
love.
a word,
an emotion,
a feeling
that does not even begin
to describe my feelings for you.

-suffocatewithin.

sometimes

2005-07-13T17:59:00.000-06:00

sometimes i am
reminded why i do these things
sometimes i forget
why i even care
sometimes i remember
of all those bitter things you said to me in my time of need
sometimes i feel
petty revenge and spite
sometimes i want
to say i went through the exact same thing
sometimes i know
that you never helped me
sometimes i wish
you would let me help you
sometimes i hope
that you never do, so i never have to help you
sometimes i wonder
how you expect me to feel sympathy
sometimes i hate
you for everything you've done
sometimes i think
that maybe i should help
sometimes i love
you for being who you are
sometimes i wish
you would let me in
sometimes i cry
inside, knowing what i do know
sometimes i kill
whatever's left inside of me
sometimes i say
things that are hollow shells of what i mean
sometimes i read
what you have written, and remember when i wrote that
sometimes i care
and sometimes i dont

-ben

im tired.

2005-07-13T17:51:00.000-06:00

im done.
im tired.
and im done.
i dont want to do this anymore.
it hurts too much.
im a coward.
what can i say?
im afraid of pain.
i miss you.
i miss you so much.
and theres nothing i can do about it.
im making this harder for myself
and i dont care.
im just tired.
tired of living.
tired of crying.
tired of being alone.

is there anybody out there
who can complete me?
anyone who can pick up
the shattered pieces of my life
and help me glue them back together?
anyone who could love me
forever?
for who i am?
for what i might be?

-jordan.

waiting

2005-07-13T01:11:00.000-06:00

here and now i wonder

will i always be
so stonily opaque?

do i feel so deeply
for someone
i know so little of?

when will you make me feel again
all those vices and all that hatred
and all of my happiness
that once made my life so clear?

why am i
so cut off
from myself?

why cant i say
how i feel?

why am i not myself?

-ben

tick-tock

2005-07-13T01:09:00.000-06:00

i have so many thoughts
to occupy the hollow shell
of my brain

but i have a question to hammer through
all my doubts and insanities

does this life have meaning?

why do i see myself in your shoes
if only i taunt you?

will i ever concede
and help you through
a nightmare?

-ben

in the dark

2005-07-12T21:29:00.000-06:00

in the dark
sometimes i see those eyes
and i ask myself
is there any regret?

i know that you are angry
because i am too quiet
and will not do anything
but do what i always do

but you were the one
that made me quiet
and told me to never consider
anything ever more

how can you be angry
when you wont repent
your own actions
and open my mind?

now im a different person
and know how to be indifferent
but i still wonder
will you ever change your mind?

will you ever wonder
in the dark of the night?
or will you rid yourself of guilt
by forgetting about it?

when i move on in my life
and do the great or small things that i will do
will i stop to consider
all of this?

when you move on in your life
and do the great or small things that you will do
will you stop to consider
all of this?

do you want to make something
out of this little hopeless dream
that is life?
or do you want to wallow forever and ever?

-ben

2005-07-11T00:36:00.000-06:00

io rido, e rider mio non passa dentro;
io ardo, e l'arsion mia non par di fore.

i laugh, and my laughter is not within me;
i burn, and the burning is not seen outside.

niccolo machiavelli.

Are

2005-07-10T23:58:00.000-06:00

so here we are, we're crying...
you said, you'd never say no...
but here i am, and im crying...
i said, im sorry...

but there you are, you're crying...
you said, you never got hurt...
but there you are, and we're crying...
you said, youre sorry...

we wake
to flowers
and pain
we sleep
to cries
and rain
we hate
by fears
and fire
we love
by tears
and pyres

but here i am, im crying...
you said, you got so tired...
but there we are, and we're crying...
we said, we're sorry...

-aaron

my statue

2005-07-10T20:52:00.000-06:00

i was confused
because my statue
wasnt made of bricks or stone
but of flesh and bone

i was sad
because i saw that my statue
could cry and be just as heartbroken
as i could be

i was angry
because we were robbed
of something so precious
that was ours

i am happy
because life is a circle
and it goes on
and i can be a better person

-ben

you bleed.

2005-07-10T01:28:00.000-06:00

i thought that i was weak,
that you were invincible.
you hurt me,
but carried me through it.
you carried me,
steadied me
through anything.
and then i realised.
you bleed too.
y o u b l e e d t o o .
and im sorry.

-jordan.

2005-07-09T21:08:00.000-06:00

you said i could tell you anything.
so can i say that i love you
with everything i have?
can i let you know
that i wish i could give you the world
though still it would never be what you deserve.
is okay if i tell you how sorry i am
that i can never be perfect,
can never be good enough for you.
can i say that i need you,
and i would give so much
just to keep you here.
would it be alright
if i whispered to you
all my fears of being hurt
and never feeling like this again.
could i tell you that maybe...
maybe this is what i have been dreaming of.
i know you said i could tell you anything.
but there are no words capable of saying these things.

-suffocate.within

the end. goodbye my love.

2005-07-09T20:12:00.000-06:00

you have finally
pushed me past breaking.
there isnt an inch
left in this body
that cares anymore.
it sickens me to think
that you have driven me
to this point.
and it saddens me
to know that you
are capable of being
so thoroughly disappointing.
i was willing to risk
so much hurt
just to see the old you again.
was it so much to ask for?
you have brought so much agony to me
and you had an oportunity
to finally fix this.
and you didnt.
finally, after a year
i dont care...
I DONT CARE.
and i know that i wont care
ever again.
it disgusts me
to know that i have gone so long
living in the dark.
living in denial
of all the pain you truly bring me
every time we speak.
it disgusts me to know
that i have not realized that
until recently.
its too late now.
youve done your damage
and now im leaving.
the only way there is to leave.
i dont love you anymore,
goodbye.

-suffocate.

hah!

2005-07-08T22:44:00.000-06:00

i love you.

(blankie)

always,
danielle

they.

2005-07-07T22:53:00.000-06:00

iwalkintherain25: ...im tired.
makemedoeboi: as in bedtime?
iwalkintherain25: no, sophie, as in suicide.

they say theres a light
at the end of this tunnel.
they say that youll never forget.
they say these mistakes
that youve made before
will stop causing your regret.
they say that the past
will not haunt you
if only you get off the ground.
they say youll make
these mistakes again
if you only try turning around.

i want to forget.
im as far in this tunnel
as i am out of it.
i will always feel the regret.
im on the ground.
i cannot get up.
i cannot move on.
and im always turned around.

who, exactly, is
they?
and why do they know me so well?

-jordan.

im sorry. im leaking pain.

2005-07-05T00:25:00.000-06:00

they tell me that
its ok,
late at night,
to leak my pain.
no ones looking.
gush
pour
rip
tear
break.
but then i roll over,
and youre there.
youve been there
the entire time,
listening to me
gush
pour
rip
tear
break.
and now ive got you crying.
im sorry you heard.
you feel responsible.
and then you
gush
pour
rip
tear
break
right back.
im sorry.
but i love you.

-jordan.

re|mem|ber.

2005-07-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

to remember:
to recall to the mind
with effort
or to think of again.
to recall or become aware of
suddenly
or spontaneously.
to retain in the memory.
to keep
[someone]
in mind
as worthy
of consideration
or recognition.
to remind.
to recapture the past;
indulge in
memories.
to call to
remembrance;
to keep alive
the memory
of someone.
antonym:
to forget.
to leave behind
unintentionally.
to dismiss
from the mind;
to stop
remembering.
to bury.

i will
never
forget
you.
just promise
you will always
remember
me.

-jordan.

why complain

2005-07-03T03:14:00.000-06:00

why complain
when we are
the heartless
soul-eating
life-ruining
scum that we
clearly hate?

you complain of
people who love
to hate and who
break a heart in
two small pieces

but you wont see when
someone you did this
to tries to help you?

we envy what we hate

-ben

angel pt. 1

2005-07-01T23:31:00.000-06:00

all that you are is
beautiful.
talented.
intelligent.
broken.
hurting.
lost.
stop using your past as an excuse.
i love you more than life itself.
i would give anything for you.
but grow up.
stop hurting me,
its getting to be too much.
i feel as if i have already given
eveything for you.
and im not the only one.
we are all...
tired.
i will never give up on you,
do you hear me?
but i can already tell you have
given up on me.
im sick of being the older one here,
im sick of knowing the answers to your questions.
unconditional love
is what i carry inside for you.
you keep tearing me down
with your lies and scandals.
your immaturity and selfishness.
i dont know who you are...
i never have.
your life has been hard
but dont use that against the world.
stop making the same mistakes
because i cant save you.
no one can.
its been so many years
and you still havent figured that out.
whenever you are so close to the light
you fall again.
further down than you started out.
figure it out.
save yourself.

-suffocate.within

im sorry.

2005-07-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

i never got
to kiss you
in the rain.
and for that,
i apologise.
i never got
to love you
as much as i wanted to.
and for that,
i apologise as well.
for that,
and for so many other things.
please forgive me.
because i love you.
always and forever yours,

-jordan.

...

2005-07-01T13:09:00.000-06:00

(\ /)
( . .)
c('')('')

im like a
sad
lost
bunny rabbit,
sitting,
no,
walking
in the rain.

-jo.

our boat

2005-07-01T11:04:00.000-06:00

its not death that we enjoy,
but the journey we suffer
so lets hang on to this buoy,
and watch the sunset on our boat as the waves get tougher

-ben

love.

2005-07-01T09:15:00.000-06:00

im sorry
for making this awkward.
im sorry
for a lot of things.
im sorry
for still loving you
most of all.
i thank you
for telling me.
thank you
for sticking around.
thank you
for still loving me
anyway.
just know
that i will always love you.
'-how long?
--forever.
-how long is forever?
--for eternity.
-how long is eternity?
--for as long as i can draw breath,
--and beyond.'
always and forever yours,

-jordan.

blind eye

2005-07-01T00:07:00.000-06:00

if i could whisper
one thing in your ear
that i learned from experience

it would be that
if you want to forget
dont stay

-ben

sincerely.

2005-06-30T01:41:00.000-06:00

ink on my hands
(ink on the fingers)
ink in the sink
(ink in the sink)
ink splashing on my comb
(ink on the comb)

spiders in my veins

mascara on my face

death to my face
(death to the human race)

-sophie

is that all there is?

2005-06-30T01:36:00.000-06:00

life
has been
a grand disappointment.
i cant help but say
to every new adventure
is that all there is?

-sophie

cross your fingers not your legs

2005-06-30T01:31:00.000-06:00

i did not fly over the cuckoos nest but right into it
something dead lay there, where youre laying
i remember how sad i used to feel
so sad
for no reason.
but happiness is boring
i only see the negative
of a person or a picture?
black
or
white
cant be both.
his own man made lovely
loved from afar
i want to be so skinny
frail, breakable
hooked up to machines
and blood in my bones because
there is no other place to put it.
shoot my head off
with a greasy gun
the blood will splatter
and make shapes on the wall
butterflies.
deathly pail is eerie
beautiful
but youre so boring
like heaven
roasted up in hell on the bar-b-que grill
barbie doll head put up in the little boys room
photos of the dolls heads in teacups
call it art
because it isnt pretty
and no one understands it except for you
so no one really cares
like no one listens to me
ever. never.
im just a ghost
dead
i dont think living is real

-sophie

announcement numero whatever the hell were on.

2005-06-30T01:19:00.000-06:00

hey loves. news flash: we have added a new member. sophie. we are about to add another new member. michael. aka. evoldus. and...dundundun. we have...comments! haha! i win! lol. now we can post angsty little comments on each others posts! w00t. anyway. go back to writing. or doing whatever pitiful excuse you have for not writing. lol. jk. love.
-jo.

edit-
that last post is sophie signed in as me. just so you know.

teenage angst

2005-06-30T01:07:00.000-06:00

jesus loves
god saves
but no matter what
were all going to our graves.
perpetual deja vu
and I hate chocolate

-sophie

truly.madly.deeply

2005-06-27T20:34:00.000-06:00

this is cetainly not
out of a story book.
and it is nothing like
what i have always dreamed.
but somehow,
it's enough.
some days you break me down
but somehow, i make it through.
sometimes i leave your arms
feeling bruised and battered.
there are still fingerprints
scattered across my body
from where your words
{and silences}
collided with my flesh.
so this is reality
the pain mixed with the ecstacy.
this is real love,
hard love.
i would love to just say to you
'give me one good reason why i should stay'
but i've already got my reasons.
...something about your eyes
and the way you look at me
on those certain occasions.
you b r e a k my heart...
but somehow you find a way
to sew me together again,
better than before.
this is certainly not
out of a story book
or anything like
what i have always dreamed
but somehow,
we make it through.

-suffocate.within