10.11.09
Do you ever hurt yourself?

I used to hit myself when angry but now I do not. I am going to tell you the truth about hitting yourself. You will probably not believe me, and you will say "that's just not true". But, if you believe me you will find that you do not hit yourself any more. You think that hate is a bad thing. Therefore, if you are someone who hates someone else, you are a bad person. I think that you have probably been betrayed by a loved one, most likely a family member. Instead of saying to yourself "I hate my family member for what he/she did to me", your conscience makes you say "I feel so horrible and so angry, but why? It can't be because of my family member, they are always so nice to me, so it must be because of me. There's something wrong with me that I would feel this angry and full of hate. The problem isn't with anyone else, it's with me." So, you blame yourself for feeling angry, and since you want to punch the person who made you angry, you punch yourself. This is the actual fact: You hate your boyfriend. He's probably a jerk to you, but in a way that you don't quite understand. You want to punch him, over and over again. But your conscience is telling you to stay in this relationship, because your conscience likes to punish you for things you haven't done. So stop punishing yourself. Get out of this relationship. Learn to hate people. If you learn to hate other people, really feel the hate towards bad people who have done wrong to you, then you will stop hating yourself. This is the truth. Hate is just another emotion. Depression and self-harm are, in many cases, hatred towards someone you also love (love and like are VERY different, and it's more important to like someone than it is to love them) that is not being directed at that person, but at yourself instead. Love is not the best emotion in the world. Love, when had for a person you do not like, is very damaging to your soul. So, admit. You're a violent person. You want to beat the **** out of people. You probably don't like many people, and you wish that you could kill them. But you don't, because you don't want to go to jail. Just admitting this, just admitting the fact that you are a person who hates, a person who wants to kill and destroy, can do loads for your self esteem. Now remember, don't actually do any of these things. Just admit them.

bleeding inside since
15:17

0 struck matches.

21.7.06
Untitled?

Part I


The night was dark, cold, and i trudged, losing myself in the hypnotism of black, the horizon mixing with the sidewalk, leaving me the impression of importance, a warm spark in a dark cold world.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Silent and cold i walked along the rain pounded cement, There was little traffic, the roads were bad. the rain fell upon my skin, it stung harshly upon the back of my neck. The wind whistled through the streetlamps, blowing through my hair. I blew a lock of black out of my hair that smoothly fell back into place. I once thought i could make a difference, no matter how minor.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

As i trudged across the road,a car swerved to miss me. I felt the airwaves conform around me for a split second, then merge again on the other side. The driver shouted obscenity at me as he screeched past, but it was another sound in the world that passed me by, that ignored me, and rushed foward into their oblivion. I once felt that the world was in my hands

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Was there a plan? Or was it all impromptu. Is there a cruel laughing god? Or is it just a coincidence. I did not know then.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I thought once that there was something further in life to look forward to, beyond simple pleasures and close-future. Now i understand everything. I once felt that everything conspired within the world to acheive your goals. I was wrong. I once felt that there was something to be, to aim for.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

The dropoff down the cliff i stared into was deep, and within me stirred a primal beast. It roared in fear, knowing its death was near, between my cold hard determination and the colder harder rocks at the end of a fall down. The fear spoke to me of a future, of a glorious future that i might have. Have had.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I looked down again, swallowed, and jumped. On the way down, i saw everything flow between my eyes, a short life with long bits. I opened the door, looked inside, and fell.


Part II



My life flew before my eyes, enveloping me in a blanket of alcohol diminshed pain, warm and fuzzy, clashing as a pillow against my pounding skull.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Everything spirals past me downwards, leaving behind a trail of memories, some red, some crossed out, and a few brilliant blue.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

As if they were framed on a wall that came tumbling down, they scream past, reminding me of rainy days, and sun baked times that i felt right.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

They screech and claw at me, siren sounds that blast through my ears, screaming bloody murders for past sins, both rendered unto me and others by me, an album recollection of the worst of me, piercing my ears and grabbing my wrists.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

The awful rage flys by, the world of red that i once lived, pure unbridled hate for that which fails to kindle within me a sense of love, red as blood, red as rage, red as self righteousness.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Then the greys, they hover around the outside, leaving a fuzzy trail of things that never struck me as important. I looked at these memories, remembering days gone by, the quiet things in life that i never bothered to thank.

I close my eyes and ignore the pain.

Before i know it, greys, reds, blues, they all fade to black, and i see nothing, no dreams, no wild psychosis reaching out to touch something, no randomly cobbled together pieces of conciousness of dreams, just a simple nothing, a black void stretching as far as the eye could see, if i could be bothered to see that far. I fade to black.

- aaron

(part three is in the works, its too late tonight, and i want to look over the whole thing before calling it finished)

bleeding inside since
03:14

0 struck matches.

20.4.06
?

i found you.
[i dont know how.]
i pulled you out from your
shell
andwe
laughedandtalkedand[finally]kissed.

ileft
for a bit
came back
and found you.
plusone.
but i stayed.
you knew
youcouldntleaveme.
[not then, anyway.]

you
hurtme
hurtme
hurtme
and i still
loveyou
loveyou
loveyou
[logically?
...maybe not.
but still...]
and then
iturnaround
and cryatyou
bitchatyou
dumponyou
andyou
put up with me.

you say you love me
[please tell me its true?]
and i love you.





so why does that love
still have a question mark?

-j.

bleeding inside since
20:58

0 struck matches.

5.4.06
hands

the hand that pushes me down
belongs to the one i love
the hand that pushes me down
is the same that i hold,
that i kiss with adoration.
the hand that pushes me down
is the same that plunges the knife
into my heart and begins to twist.
the hand that pushes me down
is wrapped around my neck,
choking the life out of me.
the hand that pushes me down
gently caresses my face
and plays with my hair
on occasion.
its the same hand that slaps me across the face,
letting it sting for hours.
the hand that pushes me down
tears open my wounds
just before they heal.
the hand that pushes me down
is placed over my mouth
each time i am about to scream.
i will forever remain silent.
the hand that pushes me down
is one that i cling to,
that i cant seem to let go of.
the hand that pushes me down
belongs to the one that i will always love.

...suffocatewithin...

bleeding inside since
18:42

0 struck matches.

1.3.06
moon, would you ever leave your sky?

a slow death.
inevitable and pending.
the silver blade catches my eye.
my blood coats the tip.
you slice flesh with ease.
i ask no questions,
provide no objections.
my only protests are
the tears dripping furiously
from my darkened eyes.
as always
i'll keep quiet.
you can slit my wrists as you please.
within my blood-smeared frame i am screaming.
screams you never bothered to hear
even on the few occasions
they slipped between my lips.
crimson red reaches those lips and begins to slither
into my mouth, down my cracked throat.
i dont even bother to choke.
my wings are tethered for these final moments
though you know i'd never fight back.
my insides crawl
and an explosion of pain arises in my chest.
i begin to tear at my flesh.
you stop to allow your hands and lips trail across
my gaping wounds.
love seeps into me, all subsides.
just when i am nearing death
you inject sweet memories and the blind hope needed
to endure your next beating.
HOW LONG WILL I LAY HERE HELPLESS?

-i am suffocating within.

bleeding inside since
18:35

0 struck matches.

4.2.06
monarch.

when you have moved on, when you are doing the great things youve dreamed of all your life, when Monarch is no longer a name you say often, a place you think of, or a building you see,

you wont remember the races.
you wont remember the splits, the place, whether you won or lost.
you wont remember the sets, the personal bests, the A or B relays.

youll remember the girls.

these beautiful girls who you spent four months a year with, seeing them up to ten hours a day, if not more, starting at four thirty AM.
these girls you laughed with, cried with, fought to win with.
these girls who gave you strength when you had none, who held you up when you were falling, when you couldnt swim another lap, when your dreams were broken and you wanted to give up.
youll remember the laughter, the tears, the love, the friendship.
youll remember the pasta dinners, the meets, the restaurants, the movies, the sweat and the blood, the pain and the joy.
they lifted you up when you couldnt stand; they watched you joyfully when you flew, always ready to catch you again.
you will remember the torn muscles, dislocated joints, and broken bones, the vomiting after a practice session, sleeping through the school day, and waking up the next morning dreading getting in.
you will remember the soreness, the stress, the frustrating feeling of working until death and still not getting anywhere.
but you will also remember holding someone while they cried their pain away, and being held in return when you needed to be.
you will remember singing in the locker rooms, being slap happy at four thirty in the morning and wondering how it was possible, showering with thirty other girls in six shower stalls.

and you will remember these girls who shared your life.

we love you, Monarch Girls Swimming and Diving.
and we wish you the best of luck in everything you choose to do.

bleeding inside since
10:43

0 struck matches.

29.1.06

please. stop.(you. are. killing. me.)

bleeding inside since
17:10

0 struck matches.

17.1.06
a memory too excruciating to forget

Tears fall
and meet my skin.
eyes clenched shut.
this is too much to bear.
in your eyes, past the tears
i see only fragments.
you have been shattered.
and you are watching me fall to pieces.
i am lost in this love.
the love you give, the love you take.
to see, to feel your sobs
is an indescribable pain.
never have i wished to disappear like this.
as your pain mounts, i am choking.
it is no longer mine and yours,
it is our pain.
the fact that i cannot take away your anguish
is the most devastation i have ever faced.
look into my eyes
like you have so many times before
and tell me that you dont want to be with me.
do it now and make it sting.
tear me open right here and watch me bleed.
make me feel alive
like you have so many times before.
the hours become a blur,
coated in tears and whispers.
i cant see, i cant speak.
im covered in you.
we are soaked in blood no one can see.
the kind that pours from the deepest wounds.
im covered in you and it gives me warmth.
im covered in us and my sobs grow louder.
Each time you raise a hand to wipe them away,
i crumple.
i am sorry.
so incredibly sorry.
it is too much to take.
you loving me and hating me all at once.
my body, my soul, my heart are too weak
to see you cry.
my eyes fall shut in horror.

Danielle

bleeding inside since
18:58

0 struck matches.

9.1.06
dear somebody-

the only thing im sorry for is that i didnt get to say it first.
you should have seen me screaming.
i wish id gotten to say it first.

i dont think ill give you a second chance.
not really.
well,
maybe.

but only if you mean it.

really.

i cant take shit like this from you anymore.
if, one day, you decide to be nice to me again,
ill say hi.
and then i will turn around and walk away,
leaving you to fill in the blanks.

im sorry if you lost a sister today.
i lost one too.

but i also found my freedom.

i dont know what you found.
but i hope whatever it is, its worth what you gave away.

but then again, im not worth that much anyway.

i never really was.

always,
j.

ps-
i hate the way you always think youre right.
how your word is law.
how you are the perfect martyr.

i hate the way you suck the life out of me
and expect me to be at your beck and call.

i hate the way you do this shit.

i hate how i can never truly hate you,
only be slightly aggravated, and say i hate things about you.

and i hate the way you feel you have to pretend youre perfect
when youre just a sorry pathetic excuse for a person.

just like the rest of us.

get it straight.

perfection gets you nowhere.
the people who love you do.

eat
that.

bleeding inside since
19:08

0 struck matches.

Doubleshot

Untitled1

We wake in the morning, to show we care
we show our pain, we show our tears
we wake in mourning, to show we care
we show our anger, we show our fears

You call out a warning
warning me
to tell life what i think
you called me in the morning
warning me
to tell life why

Wet your eyes
find a reason
to tell me why
you cry
about nothing
and nothing
and nothing at all

Fuck that

when will we learn
to change
who we are
to who we arent
where we are
to where we want to be

Life will pass you by
tears flow free
Let it go, fly
let it be

Untitled2

Pain is to feel
blood is to bleed
scars are to heal
Fire is to feed
with our hate
with our tears
douse our flames
regretting everything
til we drop
til we fall
til we lose it
til we have to crawl
to it
back up
to fall
back down
to climb
back up

-Aaron

bleeding inside since
14:01

0 struck matches.

4.1.06
there is no such thing [prose]

Silent and cold i walked along the rain pounded cement, There was little traffic, the roads were bad. the rain fell upon my skin, it stung harshly upon the back of my neck. The wind whistled through the streetlamps, blowing through my hair. I blew a lock of black out of my hair that smoothly fell back into place. I once thought i could make a difference, no matter how minor.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

As i trudged across the road,a car swerved to miss me. I felt the airwaves conform around me for a split second, then merge again on the other side. The driver shouted obscenity at me as he screeched past, but it was another sound in the world that passed me by, that ignored me, and rushed foward into their oblivion. I once felt that the world was in my hands

Now i know that there is no such thing.

Was there a plan? Or was it all impromptu. Is there a cruel laughing god? Or is it just a coincidence. I did not know then.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I thought once that there was something further in life to look forward to, beyond simple pleasures and close-future. Now i understand everything. I once felt that everything conspired within the world to acheive your goals. I was wrong. I once felt that there was something to be, to aim for.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

The dropoff down the cliff i stared into was deep, and within me stirred a primal beast. It roared in fear, knowing its death was near, between my cold hard determination and the colder harder rocks at the end of a fall down. The fear spoke to me of a future, of a glorious future that i might have. Have had.

Now i know that there is no such thing.

I looked down again, swallowed, and jumped. On the way down, i saw everything flow between my eyes, a short life with long bits. I opened the door, looked inside, and fell.

-aaron

(this is a rewrite of a piece i did a long time ago, im still working on it, so expect an update on it eventually.)

bleeding inside since
14:02

1 struck matches.

27.12.05
tags.

my feelings dont have tags.

who am i kidding?
they are all clearly labeled:
RAGE
DEPRESSION
SADNESS
PAIN
including, on rare occasion,
happy
amused
content
and, almost never,
confident

but while im throwing these labels
here and there
and, well,
everywhere,
im only the held.
never the holder.
my emotions possess me,
not the other way around.

and all the while,
im striving,
screaming,
begging
to be the keeper,
not the kept.

the keeper,
not the kept.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
19:06

0 struck matches.

18.12.05
Closer

you seem
to be so far above me
reaching
to feel air
it eludes me
i conclude
you move
further along away from me

all that I can do
is watch you
turn your back on me
and flee

further and further
with open arms and closed eyes
i wait
for nothing
nothing at all

closer and closer
from being far away from me
i wait
for something
turns out to be nothing
after all

you say wait
i ask why
you say dont
i ask why not
you scream leave
and mute, deaf, dumb, I stay
you leave
but I stay
so far away from you

but Im okay
i say
to myself
everyday
im fine
its okay

-Aaron

bleeding inside since
10:15

2 struck matches.

28.11.05

...grace only exists
------------to be
------FALLEN
-------------------from...




-jordan.

bleeding inside since
16:18

0 struck matches.

12.11.05
i tell you...

i tell you that
its
-------FINE.
that im
------OK.
that im sure ill
-------------GET
---------OVER
----------------IT.
but youll never know.
youll never
------------------KNOW.
that inside,


----------------------im
----------------SCREAMING.









-your 'jay.'
ill miss you.

bleeding inside since
18:44

0 struck matches.

7.11.05
...

i filled my heart so much,
tears came out of my eyes
----[windows to my soul]
and now you sit there weeping
------------[whispering]
thinking
--[doubting]
my heart has shown me
that believing
is nothing
------[some flowers ]
------------[bloom only]
---[in the imagination]
i write down a dream
i print down some empty words
and i cry
------------CAN
---------------YOU
---------TELL
-------------ME
----------------WHY?
i wake up in the light
seeking the shadows
---------[shelter me from the silence]

---------[please?]

im not confident anymore.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
20:18

0 struck matches.

4.11.05
[it is dark]

[wait and see]
what
tomorrow
may bring
for in the
[darkness]
people are
[shadows]
and
[phantoms]
are real
they think
[you]
are part of the show
[a place where]
the blind eye of
suffering
[weeps continuously]
this house is
[invisible]
to the ignorant
[who suffer]
another day of
[mind shattering]
executions
and earth shaking
[revelations]

----------------------------THIS
--------------------------------IS
-----------------------------WHERE
---------------------------------------i
---------------------------------AM.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
16:59

0 struck matches.

An Exercise in Alliteration

soul stirring
pushing a pen along paper
showing slowly
pouring a poem along paper
flowing feelings
captured in CAPITOLS
or in lowercase
loving language
taking time to tell a rhyme
about anger and emotion
motion
to and fro
ebb and flow

-Aaron

bleeding inside since
12:09

0 struck matches.

3.11.05
this nightmare...

Eyes wide open.
bloodshot and itchy.
skin crawling,
sweat dripping from every surface.
the darkness soothes until thoughts run rampant.
stroking, singing back to sleep.
Eyes heavy,
relaxing muscles.
sleep (seeping salvation)...
so near.
creeping silently over
toes, legs, stomach, chest, fingers, neck, face, mi...
-- then remembrance.
spring forward,
lunge for the lights.
the brightness illuminates fear.
the memories.
run
scream
cry
pain
pain
pain
ache
tear
sear
pain
pain
pain.
the nightmare...
it was real.

-suffocate.within

bleeding inside since
20:33

0 struck matches.

2.11.05
la poesie.

i have three l's...


----------they help me fly.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
00:29

0 struck matches.

1.11.05
never trust the northern wind...

it blows so cold and distantly...

bleeding inside since
10:56

0 struck matches.

28.10.05
break me.

she asked me to break her arm so i could sign the cast.
did i ask you to break my heart
so you could carve your initials into it?
i dont think so.
but i let you do it anyway.
[beat me]
[hurt me]
[kill me]
[break me]

there you are
[standing there]
there you are
[standing there]
i see you
[standing]
i see you
[crying]
i
[love you]
see
[dont cry]
you
[are bleeding...]
there...
[everywhere]
[nowhere]
[nothinginbetween?]
you hurt
[so deep]
youre cut
[and bleeding]
i can hear it
in your voice.
[you want it to stop]
you want it
to stop.
you want it
[so bad]
you want it
[so bad]
you
[hate me]
want
[something]
it
[will never]
to
stop.
stop.
-----STOP.
im sorry
[im so sorry]
and it hurts
[more than you
could possibly imagine]
to see you this way.
i am sorry
[helpless]
sorry
[hopeless]
sorry
[worthless]
-----STOP.
im running in circles
[talking in codes]
walking a labyrinth
[waiting alone]
carve it deeper
[ever deeper]
bite it harder
[always harder]
i can feel you
[i can hear you]
i cant see you
[i cant touch you]
and,
for that,
i am lost.
i
[love you]
am
[nothing]
lost
[everything]
always
[in between]
alone
[brutally honest]
alone
[painfully sad]
-----ALONE.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
23:07

0 struck matches.

12.10.05
just a breath and nothing more.

just a breath
and nothing more.
[whispers in your ear].
just a breath, and nothing more.
time,
everchanging
evermoving
neverletit
----STOP.
just a breath
and nothing more.
you can feel it
rushing past you
fasterthanlife
slowerthandeath.
just a breath.
a single breath.
everytime you
take that breath
[fake that death]
you are running towards
[just a breath]
running towards
[just a breath]
running
[nothing]
run
[nothing]
run
[more]
----RUN
towards fate.
towards
-------FATE.
so take that breath
[fake that death]
hold it in
dont exhale
dont exhale
[just a breath and nothing more]
dont exhale
dont exhale
[just a breath and nothing more]
and time will always
run
[just]
run
[just]
----RUN
and you will never
[breathe]
meet
---your
--FATE.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
21:16

0 struck matches.

again...

and i find you in my arms again,
my nose buried in your hair again,
your warmth soaking into my body again,
your lips exploring mine again.
and i cant help but wonder,
do i get a second chance?
or is this just punishment for the last deed i did?
am i falling in love again,
only to be torn from it again?

or is this simply just happening for the hell of it?

will i ever know?
and does the reason really matter?

i wonder...

and i sit here,
thinking to myself,

why am i sitting here?

do i belong to anyone?

what is my PURPOSE?

and then i see your eyes,
----------her face,
----your smile,
-------------her laughter.

and i realise.

---------------it doesnt matter.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
21:10

0 struck matches.

thoughts.

i sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you
are near me, as now: it is as if i had a string somewhere under my left
ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the
corresponding quarter of your little frame. and if that boisterous channel, and
two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, i am afraid that
cord of communion will be snapt; and then ive a nervous notion i should
take to bleeding inwardly. as for you--youd forget me.

-jane eyre by charlotte bronte, chapter 23.

you say that youll be there,
but you wont.
you think i know what im doing,
but i dont.
and so this cycle will repeat itself.

if theres one thing he learned from a river,
its that everything always comes back.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
21:04

0 struck matches.

blurb of a story

all my life i have been betrayed. everything i have ever loved so violently taken no matter how tight my grasp may be. in the mirror, i see only a blur. i have been reduced to nothing, reduced to ashes. ashes that remain from the fire that has claimed my life. i see it as my own spontaneous human combustion. the fire, the death begins internally, eating at the insides, slowly making itself to your flesh, so the searing aching sensation you feel inside spreads outward, crippling your body. and this pain on my lips and hatred on tongue continue to mount. there are times when they are so thick, the words cannot escape. most of the time, i keep them here, locked inside my barely beating, barely existing heart. this is how my days are spent; fighting to breathe, to get out those words i desperately need to release. battling the demons that have graced my body. until, at the end of the day, i see her. just hearing her voice relieves me of all pain, all doubts that i have a reason to keep fighting. she gives the wilted petals of my soul life. the only life they have ever known. and at this time i know im killing her. her love gives me breath and mine suffocates. i give her all that i am, all that i will ever be. yet it isnt enough. my jagged pieces are broken and puncture her own functioning heart. i cannot hurt her any longer but am unable to let her go. i know i must save myself.


-danielle

bleeding inside since
17:13

0 struck matches.

these tears are my own.
but if you ask,
i will cry them all and fill a jar for you.
thats just how i am.
and these hands;
the blood coating them;
those are also mine.
stained crimson from my heart.
the one i single handedly ripped from my chest.
i know this has all been my doing.
and i crumple in shame.
because i dont know how to stop.
i cant look at myself in the mirror
and confess.
i cannot admit
what i have lost,
what i have loved.
i cant explain
what i am,
and i why i fear change,
why i cannot let go.
i know no reason
for my anger,
pure hatred.
i could never find the words to say
why i love him with every piece of me.
and why i cant seem to let the other one
slip out of my life.
i will never know
why i cried,
why i hold on,
why i am changed,
why the strongest hatred
flowing in my veins
is for only myself.
NEVER will i know
why i d i e d.

-dani.

bleeding inside since
17:05

0 struck matches.

on my broken wings
i fly then fall.
replaying the past over and over.
until it stings,
until i just cant stop bleeding.
even then, it continues.
my heart cant take much more.
the screams,
the anger,
the HURT.
i breathe it in like oxygen
to a faltering lung.
now this is apart of me.
and its something i need.
you are the only exception.
the only one that ever calmed me.
ever made me feel like something.
something worth feeling.
at the same time you
make me feel like nothing.
words so harsh
they sting my eyes.
i know i can never be what you need.
but ill always give you all that i am.
my love is stronger than words.
forever doesnt sound long enough
if its going to be with you.

-dani

bleeding inside since
17:01

0 struck matches.

10.10.05
announcement numero...i give up.

hey guys. another announcement. w have another new member! party. bailey. most of you know her. awesome.
and another thing. this blog is dying. or something. get off your lazy asses and POST. thank you.
love.
-jordan.

bleeding inside since
10:18

0 struck matches.

9.10.05
suspicion.

suspicion kissed you when i did.
i saw it creep up behind you,
its cold breath on your neck,
its hand around your waist.
just as i leaned in,
my mouth slightly parted,
it nibbled your neck,
whispered sweet nothings in your ear,
and took you.
i cupped your neck with one hand,
the back of your head with the other,
and explored your exquisite mouth
with mine.
but i could feel it watching us,
running a hand across your back,
over your lips,
through your hair.
we paused for breath,
and it stepped around us,
leaned down,
and kissed you,
deeply,
roughly,
lovingly.
and i knew,
in that instant,
that you would never be mine.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
09:41

0 struck matches.

1.10.05
the 300th post.

well guys, this is quite a milemarker. we have three hundred posts, seven or eight members, and weve been going for almost a year. i congratulate and thank you all for some awesome poetry and even better experiences.
[just so you know, 300 is important because after this post, i wont be able to look at them all on the same editing page anymore. lol.]
thanks so much.
love ya.
-jordan.

ps- in honor of this being the 3ooth post, i figure i might as well post some poetry.

use me.

u s e m e.
a b u s e m e.
f i g h t m e.
k i l l m e.
r a p e m e.
k i s s m e.
i am her p l a y t h i n g.
i know it.
thats all i am to her.
to everyone.
an object.
a pastime.
a t o y.
hold me close
and toss me aside
when the newer,
better,
diversion arrives.
only to be picked up again.
fooled again.
toyed with again.
and left.
'lets get high
and fuck around.'
i respect you,
but not for this.
n o t f o r t h i s.
everyone i know
[sans one]
regards me as an item
of pleasure,
of knowledge,
or whatever.
and i let them.
i l e t t h e m.

i let them.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
11:25

0 struck matches.

25.9.05

these roads that i travel
dont seem so long
when you are holding my hand.
when the fire inside my soul
is reduced to ashes,
you fill me with warmth.
maybe ive made a mistake.
maybe we are not ready for this.
but whats done is done
and here we are.
one step closer.
now that you are leaving,
i just have to know.
will we make it?
will our love carry us through?
i anticipate long nights,
tear stained pillows
begging for your embrace.
all i can ask of you
is to try.
i promise i'll try.
i think we can do this,
i think love can protect us.
i believe that every time i see you smile
my pain will be washed away.
i believe we can save each other.
i just have to know,
do you believe in us?

-suffocate.within

bleeding inside since
20:12

0 struck matches.

18.9.05
rise...

i feel it coming.
coming back.
screaming in my head.
i hear them,
i hear them all.
betraying me.
critiquing me.
collecting my imperfections
and throwing them
in my face.
again.
i feel it uncurling
in my mind
in my chest
in my

soul.

rise...

my demon...

rise...

and show my


-jo.

bleeding inside since
22:29

0 struck matches.

13.9.05

why the fuck are you doing this to me?
why are you hurting me so badly?
please stop,
i love you more than i could ever tell you.
my heart is bleeding for you,
cant you see that?
cant you see im hurting for YOU?
i need you,
i love you.
i want to keep you here
no matter what you say to me.
i know thats wrong
but i love you
so goddamn much.
you were the ONLY one
who could bring a smile to my face.
and i refuse to give that up so easily.
even if it hurts,
even if i bleed.
even if you KILL me.
i...cant...leave.
please stop hurting me,
oh god please stop.
I LOVE YOU.

-suffocatewithin

bleeding inside since
22:15

0 struck matches.

11.9.05
fuck it.

im sick of it.
im sick of you.
the one who
claimed to be
unjudgmental.
the one who
j u d g e s m e
every time i open
my goddamn mouth.
you said you cared,
you bastard.
you dont give a damn.
im so sick of you
and your lies
and your words.
they cut deeper
than you think they do.
they scar easier
than you think they do.
they hurt me more
t h a n y o u t h i n k t h e y d o.
all i get from you is
bullshit.
'im open minded.'
sure bitch.
maybe in your own little
fucked up world.
maybe in your own little
f u c k e d u p m i n d.
i dont know what possessed you
to say shit like that,
but i finally have the nerve
to take it personally.
you insulted me
with practically everything you said.
i figured you were kidding.
and now ive discovered you werent.
and that is
unacceptable.
u n a c c e p t a b l e.
and i am finished.
i cant do this anymore.
goodbye.

and be gone with you.

-jo.

bleeding inside since
19:21

0 struck matches.

10.9.05
home is where the <> is.

call me selfish again.
i will tell you what its like
to give everything you have
to other people.
getting nothing in return
but a few scars
and harsh words
followed by hollow apologies.
how easily you forget.
i only wish i could remember to forget.
your words stay,
even after the wounds have cauterized.
voluntarily i place the shattered pieces
of my grey heart back in your hands.
ive got no where to turn
except back into your decieving arms.
im not strong enough to leave
but i feel the anger rising.
i feel my hatred reappearing.
my makeshift heart is crumpling
under all these feelings
my burdened body
is crippled and weak.
you think you see through me.
but all i have ever seen of you
is - your - back.
left to lay in my self shed blood.
this feels like home.
the home that follows me
from my nightmares
into my reality.

-suffocate...

bleeding inside since
19:51

0 struck matches.

never again

i feel it.
-here it comes again.
creeping up over me.
-here it comes again.
DEATH.
it smothers me like a thick blanket of smoke,
i have no breath.
BLOOD.
temptation drips down over me
filling my mouth, my hands, my soul.
ive been rebuilt
but somehow my pieces are cracking,
tumbling to the ground.
my heart aches every time my wrists do.
and i am so ashamed.
my fingers are raw and blood soaked
from trying to pick up my remains.
im falling under the weight
of my worthlessness and these words.
ive come to know nothing but betrayal.

-suffocate.within

bleeding inside since
19:47

0 struck matches.

3.9.05
saveoursouls...

thehistoryisgonethe
homesaregonethepe
oplearegonetheposs
esionsaregonebutth
efaithishere.twoday
sagoablackmanwalk

edintoanelevatorinaustintexaswearingadenvernuggets
jerseythatsaidcarmelloanthonyonthebackandcarryinga
plasticbagofclothes.thefirstthinghesaidtothepassengers
fromdenverwas'isntlifegreat?'theysaid'yes.welikeyourje
rsey.werefromdenver.'hereplied'oh,yeah,itsmyfavorite
shirt.ilikethecolors.ivealwayslovedthenuggets.ofcourse

itsallihavenow.im f

romneworleans.
wehadtoleavefast.b
utisntlifegreat?welo
steverything,butmy
familyisallhere,safe.

isntlifegreat?'

bleeding inside since
12:23

0 struck matches.

30.8.05
why am i here again?

you cant escape yourself
by moving from place to place.
as much as i wish it was true,
you will become more lost
with the person you are trying to get rid of.
you will continue wandering
until the end of time,
accompanied by yourself.
your thoughts.
your emotions.
and everything else you
[i]
hate about your
[my]
self.
so in actuality,
moving isnt going to do much good.
but then again,
neither is staying.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
17:08

0 struck matches.

27.8.05
beat me.

beat me
out of me.
its the only cure.
there are these things
in my head,
one more in my chest,
slowly devouring
until the holes they have made
meet
deep
inside me.
i am cold.
and i am waiting.
waiting to die.
watching this whirling maelstrom
of thought
[thought?]
emotion
[feeling]
take over
[massacre]
all free visions
[views]
never ceasing,
never stopping,
never letting up.
[never getting up]
falling
twisting
deformation
scarring
crying
screaming.
never saved,
never sorry,
always wicked.
no rest for the wicked.
no one mourns the wicked.
hm.
explains a lot.

pray for me?

kill me.

praying wont save me.
nothing has.
nothing will.
and nothing always wins.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
16:43

0 struck matches.

26.8.05
ifeelit.

----------i
-----------fe
-------------elit
---------------com
-----------------ingl
-------------------urki
----------------------ngin
----------------------m-ym
----------------------in----dif
---------------------e-------elit
---------------------e-------a-tin
----------------------g------g----na
-----------------------------w-----in
-----------------------------g--------a
------------------------------t
-----------------------------m


-----------------------------y


--------------------------insides.



ifeelit.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
23:15

0 struck matches.

21.8.05
broken.

everything is so




...

i dont understand...

bleeding inside since
17:46

0 struck matches.

13.8.05
stagnant.

so. the blog is pretty much frozen right now. so ill post some shit from earlier this year that i wrote when i was bored. the third one has a deliberate spelling mistake. lets see if you can figure out what it means, hm? have fun with it.

eyes.

you dont know me.
a pair of eyes.
a pair of dark,
'pretty'
eyes.
thats all i am to you.
if you want to meet the girl
behind these eyes,
these dark encircled eyes,
let me know.
if you want my autobiography,
let me know.
dont go telling people
the things you think ive done.
the things i want to do.
my ambitions.
my dreams.
my goals.
my weaknesses.
my failures.
my life.
because youve got it wrong.
every time you say those things
youre breaking habits.
breaking promises.
breaking me.
how can you know me
when i dont know myself?
when i look in the mirror
and see an unfamiliar face?
when i hear someone else
in my head?
you dont know me.
your own daughter.
your own sister.
your own
----goddamn
--------friend.


a heart on a sleeve.

i wear my heart
on my sleeve.
stapled to it,
actually.
a glance is enough
to send me
head over heels.
and then i rip it off,
that sad,
sorry
heart.
time
and time
again.
giving little bits away.
losing them.
finding others.
soon,
im left with a little
crumpled
pieced together
randomly assembled
paper heart.
and then i set it on fire.
sacrificing it to
the rain.
the moon.
long summer nights.
and all those
i have loved.
however fleetingly.
however long.
however shallow.
however deep.
i give it
to you.


if i were a font.

if i were a font
sans seraph-
im sure i wouldnt last.
for me without my seraph-
im a boat without a mast.
my seraph-
im sure
is an enormous part of me.
my seraph-
im in love with
and it was in love with me.
if i ever lost my seraph-
im not sure what i would do.
for me without my seraph-
im just another fool.

-jo.

bleeding inside since
12:50

0 struck matches.

30.7.05

--------i
----miss
-------you.

bleeding inside since
19:06

0 struck matches.

28.7.05
all it takes...

i want to stand on the edge of a rainstorm.
i want to experience tragedy.
i want to do something stupid and get cut because of it, like i deserve.
i want to stand in the bay of fundy on low tide and stay when the tide comes in.
i want to plan with a friend how to ask someone out, then when i try to, to forget and make it up.
i want to break something valuable, like my heart.
i want to free a bird.
i want to go flying with my friend.
i want to help someone cross the street when there are no cars around.
i want to do something heroic and not be noticed.
i want to carry someones books.
i want to memorize something useless.
i want to give away something i need.
i want to understand people.
i want to never break someones trust.
i want to be on the short-handed team.
i want to shake the hand of someone important.
i want to be tired when im doing something important.
i want to be nervous about standing in front of people at first.
i want to frame pictures of someone important to no one but me.
i want to open a letter to me from a relative i have never spoken to.
i want to make a wise descision.
i want to plant a tree.
i want to tie a string around my wrist.
i want to have a near death experience.
i want to watch a train set for an evening.
i want to make throwing bottle caps off of a roof and into a garbage can a common pastime.
i want to go without something because someone else is.
i want to live in anticipation.
i want to go without something because someone else needs it.
i want to write conversations that take place in my mind commonly.
i want to have a collection of things i will never need again.
i want to break something in a museum and pay for it.
i want to pick up a book and have a note fall out of it, for me.
i want to have a person that i can tell everything to.
i want to remember the answers when its too late.
i want to let someone slip away, only to realize how much i needed them and then pursue them.
i want to wake up in pieces.
i want to never have someone lose trust or faith in me.
i want to tip the boat.
i want to see the day when 'bless you' isnt a habit.
i want to witness a revolution.
i want to have a utopia in my mind that i cant reach.
i want to bring myself down to the level of whoever im speaking with.
i want to have a real ending.

but i dont have the courage to do the things i havent.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
11:33

8 struck matches.

27.7.05
FORGET.X.TO.X.REMEMBER

here we are again.
this never changes,
YOU never change.
i cant keep letting you get to me
always changing my mind.
i really thought this was it.
i had made up my mind.
for the last time,
this was over.
and here you are.
why cant i escape you?
why can i never
(forget to remember?)
maybe now i will just give in,
and let you take me.
ill play along with your games
and try to be your friend.
you'll continue to twist and turn me
the way you like.
i cant run away,
and i know that now.
i cant escape you.
you are in me.
and now i wont fight back.
i accept you into my life.
i accept your pain into my body
as if it were my own.
i accept the words to come
that will slice me apart.
i accept the laughs and smiles that will
come as well.
as two friends,
two people so far apart
but eternally connected as one
rebuild something
that could never be lost.

-suffocate.within

bleeding inside since
22:44

0 struck matches.

restored

i dont hide anymore.
behind makeup
or false smiles.
i dont want to cover this up.
for once i want everyone
to see this.
i want them all to see
the glow i have.
i dont want them to miss
the genuine smiles
that now appear frequently.
i want them to see
the hate that has drained from my body,
creating a puddle beneath my feet.
i want them to see
that my hope and faith have been restored.
and in my eyes,
i want them all to see
the light that has replaced
the empty space.
i dont hide anymore.
for the first time,
i want them all to see.

-suffocate.within

bleeding inside since
22:32

0 struck matches.

the debate. part two. good girl wins.

i love you.
i hate you.
im sorry.
you deserve it.
you do help.
but you hurt me too.
im happy for you.
im dying inside.
im fine. i swear.
i cant deal with this.
ill miss you.
you left me alone!
have fun.
i hope he dies.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
13:54

0 struck matches.

the debate. part one. bad girl wins.

i hate you.
i love you.
how could you do this to me?
i totally understand.
how can you move on that fast?
i probably should too.
how can you ditch me like that?
how couldnt you? youre in love.
why does this hurt so bad?
its not that bad.
why dont you love me anymore?
but i still have you anyway.
goddammit.
more on this later.

-jordan.

bleeding inside since
13:45

0 struck matches.

# archivage.

10.04
11.04
12.04
01.05
02.05
03.05
04.05
05.05
06.05
07.05
08.05
09.05
10.05
11.05
12.05
01.06
02.06
03.06
04.06
07.06
11.09


# linkage.
aaron.
alltheworldtonothing.
bad poets society.
ben.
dani.
the end is near.
i dont own emotion. i rent.
jooutthewindow.
never ending story.
the nightjar.
lonely for the last time.
rosiebc6.
saccharinity.
second chances. from $26 995.
set my heart alight.
soph.
suicidiaries.

# bitch here.



# rules.
yes, sadly, there are rules. just cause im a control freak and i like our blog looking all nice. so. numero uno. no capitalization. unless it is absolutely necessary to the structure of your poem, no one wants to see it. numero dos. no apostrophes. i hate them, and theyre stupid. numero tres. no spelling errors. sorry for those of you who are slightly illiterate. but its hard to read poetry if it is fricking spelled wrong. numero quatro. sign your poems. ill take credit for them otherwise...*evil grin*. awesome. other than that, nothing else so far. you can use whatever font/size you want. any type of poem. etc. thank you.

# us.
name: jordan.
age: 15.
called: jo, dino, jooutthewindow, georgia.
contact: beckham2590@hotmail.com

awesome.

pastimes: writing, drawing, soccer, rowing, swimming, cello.
people: you know who you are.

not so much.

people: you know who you are.
things: juniper bushes, society, life. probably you, too.

music.

artist: green day, linkin park, jimmy eat world, evanescence, autopilot off, blink-182, simple plan, etc.

name: danielle.
age: 15.
called: dani, t-rex, daniel, wingy, doneal*a*thon, psycho.
contact: winged-one@comcast.net

awesome.

pastimes: soccer, wakeboarding, music.
people: not me.

not so much.

people: boys(lol, most but not all), he who must not be named.

music.

artist: korn, linkin park, staind, strata, disturbed.

name: dorota.
age: 17.
called: dorota, d, dorito, roacha...basically anything.
contact: kurczaczek91@hotmail.com

awesome.

pastimes: rowing, swimming, viola, reading, just chilling and shaking my booty.
people: everyone who is nice and not michelle tillman.

not so much.

people: michelle tillman and all those bitchy whores out there.
things: sharks, jellyfish, and seaweed.

music.

artist: anyone.

name: bailey.
age: 16.
called: bay, bail, foomelody, crack whore.
contact: sportsgirlmidfield@hotmail.com

awesome.

pastimes: soccer, poetry, rocking out, people watching.
people: anyone who doesnt piss me off right away.

not so much.

people: anyone with a bad aura.
things: not being able to breathe under the covers.

music.

artist: foofighters, queens of the stone age, nirvana, black rebel motorcycle club, and many many others.

name: sophie.
age: 15.
called: sophsta, fefe, soph, soapie, the list goes on.
contact: wicked_lemons@yahoo.com

awesome.

pastimes: writing, art.
people: david bowie.

not so much.

people: pretentious people, and idiots who think theyre smart. theyre not.
things: math and spelling.

music.

artist: placebo, david bowie, new order, joy division, and the yeah yeah yeahs.

name: ben.
age: 15.
called: ben.
contact: Nerdsworld5643@aol.com

awesome.

pastimes: violin, reading, hanging out.
people: mes amis.

not so much.

people: no idea.
things: bananas.

music.

artist: anyone.

name: aaron.
age: 14.
called: aaron, asshole, raisin, furtard(why thats been extended to me, god only knows) whatever you want.
contact: newbluechampion666@hotmail.com.

awesome.

pastimes: baseball, sleeping, procrastinating, poeming.
people: who knows.

not so much.

people: The list is at 5 pages.
things: stairs, and broken headphones.

music.

artist: (this is gonna be long) everclear, cradle of filth, marilyn manson, metallica, linkin park, AFI, dave matthews band, everlast, spearhead, yellowcard.

name: michael.
age: 15.
called: evoldous, psycho child.
contact: mbhultman@msn.com.

awesome.

pastimes: skateboarding(is it a past time?).
people: danzaver, brixius, gabby, dan-yell, you know, all those people.

not so much.

people: i dont know, that one kid that wants to kill me.
things: those scion cars, they look like boxes.

music.

artist: icp, twiztid, marcy playground, kotton mouth kings, they might be giants, nirvana, metallica, more...


# credits
picture by jo.
layout by roxy_belle.